not depressed just a pattern

My last post was pretty depressing but I’m glad I captured that moment. Obviously we can snap out of feeling sorry for ourselves if we give it a bit of time. I have a pattern of feeling sad, but I also have a pattern of feeling fulfilled and grateful for who I am. It goes in a cycle and I’m not embarrassed to admit to it.

I’m not really depressed. I don’t think anyone really is. It’s a state of mind that you control — it just depends on your habits and patterns that seem to define you. I don’t think any one feeling defines a person, it’s a pattern that defines them and creates a vibe and character. You can change patterns and that shift may feel difficult at first, but if you get into a habit of shifting patterns, you’ll snap into a new pattern that is much more gratifying. You’ll feel more in control of your actions and find it easier to battle previous patterns that lead to your negativity.

No, it doesn’t happen over night — not an easy fix or a pill you take. Your body and mind operate unconsciously and at times you may feel like you have no control, no choice, no possible way out. But you must always know that you can be more conscious of what your mind and body do together to make a pattern in your actions. Once you face that on your own, you will see that it’s all really a story you made up and you’re living the life of the most perfect character in that story. So maybe you should make up a new story that you enjoy more, and start making your patterns to fit that character. Page by page, paragraph by paragraph, word by word: no need to skip chapters and jump to the ending.

I’ll try it Ghazaleh

Filed under: life, philosophy

depressed

I cried last night in my bed. I kept thinking about how much of a failure I am. I think about how stupid it was, for me at least, to study graphic design and end up with obsession to improve the world by design. I’m skilled but why did I have to care so much about doing something of my own? It makes me so depressed when I think about how used I feel…by everyone. People just jump on me when they see I actually want to put myself below them and help make things better for them, but then after a little while, I realize I’m being used — people only gravitate towards me because I’m such a great tool.

I feel like I need to stop and go through a soul shift. I need to stop doing things for other people. But I don’t know what makes me happy if I don’t do that. I want to go sit by a beach and don’t do anything. Just sit to myself and write. Don’t want to worry about money, feeling used, passive, or fake. I want to break things, let it all out. I think I’m angry inside but it comes out as sadness. I feel like I’m not even a real person and can never be one. No matter how much love I’m given, I will always feel that I’m not understood and that the love is only because I please the way one seeks to be pleased. I don’t put up with people I feel used by, or at least I make sure its at a mutual and symbiotic level.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s probably nothing and just life, but I wish I could at least stop thinking about it.

Filed under: life

do 3 things to fix the world

It’s pretty simple.

Just erase all this sustainability and green movement nonsense from your head. Stop thinking you’re more special than people who came before you. People have always been trying to improve, so stop thinking that you’re much smarter than other people because you eat organic food or go to drink with your new clothes at charity events or pray to your lord.

Do three things for yourself and you will be making the world a better place.

1. Stop caring about how attractive you are
2. Stop buying things that you think you need (when you really don’t).
3. Stop thinking that there’s some greater force “out there” (outside of you) making the rules and not “in there” (inside you) making the rules.

Humans have always had these three problems, so I’m very cynical about our species changing. However, I believe because we have constructed our way into realizing the impact of these problems that have become facts and figures, we can finally face a mirror of ourselves and make the better choice. I believe our mission in life is to reach happiness and do whatever it takes to get there. If we keep making the mistake of not following the three points, we will never be happy and accomplish our goals.

That’s it.

I’m done.

Filed under: philosophy

her body

she lost control over her body
it had a brain of its own — was not hers
felt like a programmed machine
able to figure things out — even in doubt
she trusted her body
and all she could do
was watch what was happening

Filed under: poetry

tell a story – stop trying to tell the truth

For some reason my desire for writing has been for self expression and not for fulfillment of the reader. The last class I took before I graduated was ‘Creative Writing 2′ at OCAD, in which everyone excelled in writing descriptive fictional stories. I couldn’t relate with their writing and I wasn’t even interested in reading most of it because my brain couldn’t focus or didn’t find it interesting enough to focus. Maybe it was the lack of depth and dull performance that kept my selfish writing continue in first-person.

I always found that people respect honesty and vulnerability and translate it to strength and confidence. Don’t you just love it when you hear someone express themselves, with rage, tears or laughter? There is an intuitive admiration for vocalness of a person who finds their personal observations interesting enough to be heard by others. It’s like watching a good new movie, or eating a zesty meal or watching the season finale of your favourite show. The real deal is what we want…right?

So why is it that in this ego-centric, narcissistic world we have today we find less fiction and even lesser facts. It’s rare to find insightful and imaginative story-tellers and complete self-expressionists. It’s like an art is missing. It’s like all that we can express is a waste of breath because we are too busy trying to decide whether we love or hate our modernized culture, meaning our nice condos, cars and 9-5 jobs. Our egos are going over the roof, and we don’t even want to work for it. We’re spoiled because we think our efforts are worthless and our failure is the greatest excuse to never leap for the unknown.

Guess what?

I got a wake-up call when I decided to volunteer my skills to a place and people I liked and found inspiring. That’s how I discovered my courage. It wasn’t through school, it was by letting go of my ego and throwing myself at the world with an open heart, willing to fight for every bit of fame I got on the way.

I want to start writing stories about my experiences, without me in them. I want to see how creating a scenario with characters and expressing those characters might change the impact of what I write for the observer. It’s time for me to start telling stories to stimulate your imagination.

Coming soon.

Filed under: creativity, life

thoughts on hearts and others

I think that it’s more effective to keep your space with people just so you have a better understanding of who you are. You need space to differentiate. The more people you understand and stay in touch with throughout your life, the stronger your relationship will be with them and the more you will appreciate them as individuals.

With love, let your feelings out and don’t hold back if it’s right in front of you. The biggest mistake you can make in your life is to not follow your heart. Most people are living a mistaken life. They are not willing to work perpetually towards leadership, independency and fulfillment without detachment from possessions and obligations.

Filed under: life, love

what’s social/unsocial?

The term “social design” is one that I like kicking around like a soccer ball, hogging it and trying to score on a net with 5 defenders tackling me. I just want to hurt the goalie –  don’t even want to score.

I don’t know why I always use sports as a metaphor for relating to design — I think competition is the first thing that comes to my mind and I can’t help but to write about it

We weren’t “un”social the past two centuries. We were/are growing. We had curiosity and passion mold us to who we are today. We are wise idiots. Nothing but tools, running around, looking, trying to fit into society. There is no such thing as “social” design. Design is a social act. All that we have been making, all that we’ve been striving for and all that we’ve been believing in, dies as soon as we conduct this act.

Now, you may ask, how do you know if a design is dead? Well, that’s why you study, train and practice. You are supposed to be responsible enough to educate yourself and use the resources you have available. I feel sorry for our brains to have to adapt to this techno-funk society, but information exchange and communities determine what is dead and what is emerging. Our  tools for communication have exponentially transformed our lifestyles over the last few decades and we have yet to understand where we are headed at this speed.

The point I’m trying to make is that there is no such thing as social design. If you are not passionate about something; if you’re not facing your fears; if you’re not balancing your selfishness and your selflessness; if you are not trying to understand relationships — most importantly local ones — you are not designing yourself and you are most certainly afraid of failure. This means that there is no perfection and you are in constant change as your experiences define your individuality and your fate.

It’s all nature, let it be. Don’t let anyone tell you what is good — but listen. They don’t know you and want you to be safe based on their understanding of safety. It’s all competition, if you don’t want to battle and feel what love is about, then you’ll never know what you have the potential to kill or save. Predator, prey and play came from nature too. We were never wrong, we have always been social and we shall continue to design. Let nature do its thing.

Just feel the love and spread it. Own your creative body — don’t sell it.

Filed under: design

Maximize its use by minimizing its service

As one human being you don’t have enough brain cells and heart pulses to care for the people you have connected with in your life. It’s harder when you’re actually a good hearted person, because everyone wants your time. This social chatty internet shit makes it more confusing with how to spend your time living a healthy life. You’re not really “supposed” to be in touch with everyone you’ve met.

It’s harder for us to know who our true friends are and who really deserves our energy. So my suggestion is whoever makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin is worth your time. Others shouldn’t matter as much. The more real you are with yourself, and the more you surround yourself by people who “really” know who you are, the less stress you have to deal with.

Stop the frontin’. Your time is valuable and your brain shouldn’t be so distracted by caring about so many other problems. We all just have one body to deal with and one brain to be creative with and one heart to really squeeze and pour-your-love-out with. Maximize its use by minimizing its service.

Filed under: life, love, philosophy

how to keep creative

Make, move, make, move, make, move — nothing needs you for too long unless you are in love and/or have kids, and even then, you can still make and move. Help as many people as you can by providing service. But when I say too long, I mean stop when you’re full. By full I don’t mean your hopes and dreams — I mean pride and acceptance. By that I don’t mean give up — I mean stop and think about longevity and sutainability. By lasting I don’t mean doing what you’re told to survive  – I mean keep your spirit alive. By spirit I don’t mean God — I mean your self.

Train yourself to be creative because if you don’t, you’ll just miss out on reality. It’s all moving — just catch it when it comes and roll with it baby (yes, you are a baby). The only home you got is in your heart and the only thing that distinguishes you is your creativity. Practice moving around. By that I don’t mean travel the world — I mean face your fears and challenge your comfort.

That’s how you keep creative.

Filed under: creativity, design, life, philosophy

dead and gone?

Ever wonder if anything is dead when you think it’s dead?

Like when you get into an argument with someone you have a close relationship with, or when you lose a game, or when you promised to do something and you don’t live up to? Do you wonder if you lost something knowing you can never get back?

I thought about it and then I realized I’m too stubborn. I thought about being stubborn and then I realized that human beings have various degrees of stubbornness in them. My stubborn temperature rises in strategic situations where my decision affects a larger situation that it’s dependent upon.

I believe in moments of stubbornness one can learn most about themselves, others and completion of tasks. Nothing can survive or be complete on its own. It otherwise would not exist. This means that we as individuals must realize how important others are and how invisible we as individuals must be in the process of completion.

I believe everyone should aim to become invisible by controlling their times of stubbornness. In the society we live in, people are not like that, which means you have to always remember that.

Nothing is dead and gone, because if it was, you could never grow and mature as an individual. The way you handle and recognize your own stubbornness determines your level of maturity. So learn as much as you can about yourself by aiming to become invisible in your run to the finish line.

Pace yourself to win the marathon.

Filed under: life, philosophy