not depressed just a pattern

My last post was pretty depressing but I’m glad I captured that moment. Obviously we can snap out of feeling sorry for ourselves if we give it a bit of time. I have a pattern of feeling sad, but I also have a pattern of feeling fulfilled and grateful for who I am. It goes in a cycle and I’m not embarrassed to admit to it.

I’m not really depressed. I don’t think anyone really is. It’s a state of mind that you control — it just depends on your habits and patterns that seem to define you. I don’t think any one feeling defines a person, it’s a pattern that defines them and creates a vibe and character. You can change patterns and that shift may feel difficult at first, but if you get into a habit of shifting patterns, you’ll snap into a new pattern that is much more gratifying. You’ll feel more in control of your actions and find it easier to battle previous patterns that lead to your negativity.

No, it doesn’t happen over night — not an easy fix or a pill you take. Your body and mind operate unconsciously and at times you may feel like you have no control, no choice, no possible way out. But you must always know that you can be more conscious of what your mind and body do together to make a pattern in your actions. Once you face that on your own, you will see that it’s all really a story you made up and you’re living the life of the most perfect character in that story. So maybe you should make up a new story that you enjoy more, and start making your patterns to fit that character. Page by page, paragraph by paragraph, word by word: no need to skip chapters and jump to the ending.

I’ll try it Ghazaleh

Filed under: life, philosophy

depressed

I cried last night in my bed. I kept thinking about how much of a failure I am. I think about how stupid it was, for me at least, to study graphic design and end up with obsession to improve the world by design. I’m skilled but why did I have to care so much about doing something of my own? It makes me so depressed when I think about how used I feel…by everyone. People just jump on me when they see I actually want to put myself below them and help make things better for them, but then after a little while, I realize I’m being used — people only gravitate towards me because I’m such a great tool.

I feel like I need to stop and go through a soul shift. I need to stop doing things for other people. But I don’t know what makes me happy if I don’t do that. I want to go sit by a beach and don’t do anything. Just sit to myself and write. Don’t want to worry about money, feeling used, passive, or fake. I want to break things, let it all out. I think I’m angry inside but it comes out as sadness. I feel like I’m not even a real person and can never be one. No matter how much love I’m given, I will always feel that I’m not understood and that the love is only because I please the way one seeks to be pleased. I don’t put up with people I feel used by, or at least I make sure its at a mutual and symbiotic level.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s probably nothing and just life, but I wish I could at least stop thinking about it.

Filed under: life

tell a story – stop trying to tell the truth

For some reason my desire for writing has been for self expression and not for fulfillment of the reader. The last class I took before I graduated was ‘Creative Writing 2′ at OCAD, in which everyone excelled in writing descriptive fictional stories. I couldn’t relate with their writing and I wasn’t even interested in reading most of it because my brain couldn’t focus or didn’t find it interesting enough to focus. Maybe it was the lack of depth and dull performance that kept my selfish writing continue in first-person.

I always found that people respect honesty and vulnerability and translate it to strength and confidence. Don’t you just love it when you hear someone express themselves, with rage, tears or laughter? There is an intuitive admiration for vocalness of a person who finds their personal observations interesting enough to be heard by others. It’s like watching a good new movie, or eating a zesty meal or watching the season finale of your favourite show. The real deal is what we want…right?

So why is it that in this ego-centric, narcissistic world we have today we find less fiction and even lesser facts. It’s rare to find insightful and imaginative story-tellers and complete self-expressionists. It’s like an art is missing. It’s like all that we can express is a waste of breath because we are too busy trying to decide whether we love or hate our modernized culture, meaning our nice condos, cars and 9-5 jobs. Our egos are going over the roof, and we don’t even want to work for it. We’re spoiled because we think our efforts are worthless and our failure is the greatest excuse to never leap for the unknown.

Guess what?

I got a wake-up call when I decided to volunteer my skills to a place and people I liked and found inspiring. That’s how I discovered my courage. It wasn’t through school, it was by letting go of my ego and throwing myself at the world with an open heart, willing to fight for every bit of fame I got on the way.

I want to start writing stories about my experiences, without me in them. I want to see how creating a scenario with characters and expressing those characters might change the impact of what I write for the observer. It’s time for me to start telling stories to stimulate your imagination.

Coming soon.

Filed under: creativity, life

thoughts on hearts and others

I think that it’s more effective to keep your space with people just so you have a better understanding of who you are. You need space to differentiate. The more people you understand and stay in touch with throughout your life, the stronger your relationship will be with them and the more you will appreciate them as individuals.

With love, let your feelings out and don’t hold back if it’s right in front of you. The biggest mistake you can make in your life is to not follow your heart. Most people are living a mistaken life. They are not willing to work perpetually towards leadership, independency and fulfillment without detachment from possessions and obligations.

Filed under: life, love

Maximize its use by minimizing its service

As one human being you don’t have enough brain cells and heart pulses to care for the people you have connected with in your life. It’s harder when you’re actually a good hearted person, because everyone wants your time. This social chatty internet shit makes it more confusing with how to spend your time living a healthy life. You’re not really “supposed” to be in touch with everyone you’ve met.

It’s harder for us to know who our true friends are and who really deserves our energy. So my suggestion is whoever makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin is worth your time. Others shouldn’t matter as much. The more real you are with yourself, and the more you surround yourself by people who “really” know who you are, the less stress you have to deal with.

Stop the frontin’. Your time is valuable and your brain shouldn’t be so distracted by caring about so many other problems. We all just have one body to deal with and one brain to be creative with and one heart to really squeeze and pour-your-love-out with. Maximize its use by minimizing its service.

Filed under: life, love, philosophy

how to keep creative

Make, move, make, move, make, move — nothing needs you for too long unless you are in love and/or have kids, and even then, you can still make and move. Help as many people as you can by providing service. But when I say too long, I mean stop when you’re full. By full I don’t mean your hopes and dreams — I mean pride and acceptance. By that I don’t mean give up — I mean stop and think about longevity and sutainability. By lasting I don’t mean doing what you’re told to survive  – I mean keep your spirit alive. By spirit I don’t mean God — I mean your self.

Train yourself to be creative because if you don’t, you’ll just miss out on reality. It’s all moving — just catch it when it comes and roll with it baby (yes, you are a baby). The only home you got is in your heart and the only thing that distinguishes you is your creativity. Practice moving around. By that I don’t mean travel the world — I mean face your fears and challenge your comfort.

That’s how you keep creative.

Filed under: creativity, design, life, philosophy

dead and gone?

Ever wonder if anything is dead when you think it’s dead?

Like when you get into an argument with someone you have a close relationship with, or when you lose a game, or when you promised to do something and you don’t live up to? Do you wonder if you lost something knowing you can never get back?

I thought about it and then I realized I’m too stubborn. I thought about being stubborn and then I realized that human beings have various degrees of stubbornness in them. My stubborn temperature rises in strategic situations where my decision affects a larger situation that it’s dependent upon.

I believe in moments of stubbornness one can learn most about themselves, others and completion of tasks. Nothing can survive or be complete on its own. It otherwise would not exist. This means that we as individuals must realize how important others are and how invisible we as individuals must be in the process of completion.

I believe everyone should aim to become invisible by controlling their times of stubbornness. In the society we live in, people are not like that, which means you have to always remember that.

Nothing is dead and gone, because if it was, you could never grow and mature as an individual. The way you handle and recognize your own stubbornness determines your level of maturity. So learn as much as you can about yourself by aiming to become invisible in your run to the finish line.

Pace yourself to win the marathon.

Filed under: life, philosophy

this is for everyone who thinks i’m nice

You’re wrong.

I’m a monster. Just like you.

Calling yourself good or nice is probably the most untruthful thing you can do and the worst path to pursue in promoting yourself in thinking that you are doing good for the world.

This might shock many of you who know me that might be reading this. Over the last few months I’ve realized some things about myself and the world that have spun me around.

I gave up a couple years of my life, or should I say gave in, to a passion for improvement and innovation. I pretty much became the project, the idea, the vision I was pursuing, and let everything about it become me. I left myself behind to explore myself and who I really was. I kept pushing, pushing, pushing for more, more, more. Talked to thousands of people, spread myself out, connected spirits and tapped into hearts. I’ve been called an idealist, altruist, agent of change, a kid with stars in her eyes and anything else you can imagine that falls under the category of hippie or activist. 

I have a lot of love to give, that’s one thing. But I’m equally full of anger, greed and pride — sins maybe? I’ve been called brave and seen as a risk-taker. I would say however, that I’m a wimp and cannot manage to put up too long with mundane, institutional, conventional environments and people . So instead, I do what I want to do and find my own nice way to get out and do what I want with the body and energy that I have. If I was brave, I’d work within the system, be a tool and part of the majority of society that is risking their bodies and energy for the consumption of others.

I figured that I have abilities that convince people to throw money in the shit I talk about. I make it all up. None of it exists. I’m not nice. I just want to do what I want to do and forget me not, I have a lot of love. I think that’s all people see and they kind of just trust it…for some reason. Maybe because I’ve got myself convinced that I’m so good.

Love, my fellow humans, is the only thing I have. I’m absolutely not in control of it. It has attracted me to the right people in my life — good or bad I label them not. I’ve become self-aware and realized that I’m nothing but a selfish, honest, confident, angry and competitive five-foot-two Iranian-Canadian girl who wants to take out my athletic personality (body no more) to the next level in society.

I’ll tell you what’s real:

Fiction, science fiction, cartoons, drugs, graffiti, sex, war, sports, dance, comedy and of course music and art tie all of them together. Oh and don’t forget space and energy.

If you put love beside any one of those, you’ll get magic — not good or bad, just magic. Probably the closest experience you can have to reality.

Being nice to people is only so they like you and give you a hand when you need one. You cannot survive in this world on your own. So convince yourself that you’re nice when you’re really a monster. It’s just a game man, you’ve got no choice but to play, and might as well try not to be a loser.

Let your love lead the way — that means forget yourself, do it for the game.

Filed under: 1, life, love, philosophy

loyalty is extreme

swear at the bus driver

tag the truck

yell at the parents

and punch the wall

burn the grass

pass it around

 

keep it moving

I don’t have all day bro

 

 shit in a bowl and give it a price tag

that shit is art

it’s worth it

you wanna buy?

Filed under: humanity, life, poetry

life has its ways

It’s been over 2 months since I last made a blog post.

What a shame.

I thought I was going to reflect more on my experiences and continue writing. Well, sometimes its best to let it lead up to the point where there is enough to write about and the inclination makes it happen.

So many things are going on in my life, it’s hard to grasp and put into words. Basically, I have stayed put in a place that I feel comfortable. I realized that the confidence I have in myself is the ONLY thing I have that keeps me going and keeps my life pointed in the direction I need to be going in.

I’ve come to the conclusion that everything is meant to happen to you because you deserve it. Every experience you go through and every new relationship has a meaning and place in your life. The more clear you are on how you operate and function, the more comfortable you will be in your own skin and your thirst for being alive is what defines you as an individual.

I’ve come to accept that I am a leader and after many years of practice and working towards improvement, I have learnt that you are in complete charge of your life if you are brave enough to accept opposing views. Fighting doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no love. The tiger wants to eat its prey and the prey wants to escape. It’s life: death happens, growth progresses, now is all we have, so accept it and move on.

People will always defend themselves – it’s part of human nature’s law of survival. What shocks me when I look around me is people’s fear. Maybe I shock people, and I’ve got it all wrong. I probably do shock people, but only  because I am shocked by people’s choices of fear when life is about self-preservation.

This tells us there is love. We make our choices from love.

Love is violence. Love is freedom and bliss. Love for self is unveiled through curiosity, creation and play.

God is in-between. This is what sex is all about. The most taboo topic is the reason why we fear everything around us. We have a general fear of our own bodies’ abilities, so we choose to exploit them instead of understanding how they can give us access to pleasure, marriage and freedom. 

All these words in italic must be redefined. We must deconstruct and reconstruct our understanding of concepts that can give us absolute freedom and happiness in this age of evolutionary consciousness.

Let it all go, accept it all.

Life has its ways.

Filed under: life